Tough Stuff

Below this comment is the original post.. So I just wanted to let ya know, honestly, I was terrified to put this post up.. I didn't know what people would think of me and only a few people know about this. After I posted this yesterday, I trashed it. Then reposted it, then put a password on it so no one could see it unless they asked... This is hard for me to share because it is still hard for me to even think about.. But I know that God wants me to share what he did in my life and not just keep it to myself. So this one is for him..


Heya guys, so I was thinking.. It is probably about time I told you some of my testimony.. It's alot more than what I feel like writing so you will get the condensed version.
so I was driving home from playing volleyball tonight and heard a song on the radio, I dot remember the name, but the beginning was talking about how this lady was pregnant but the baby wasn't supposed to live long after birth. So the doc asked he what she wanted to do about the baby. He was basically asking her if she wanted to have an abortion. What does this have to do with me? No, in case you were thinking this, I did not have an abortion. I've never even been pregnant! Haha.. Anyways, when my mom was pregnant with me the docs did some tests and found out that I was supposed to have down syndrome. He asked her if she wanted to abort me. She said no. (obviously) and as you can see, I do not have down syndrome. You still may be wondering how this ties in to my testimony, just wait.
When I was around 5 I accepted Jesus into my life as my savior.. But now looking back, I have no clue whether I really understood what I was doing or not..
So anyways, while I was growing up I was (and still am) a daddy's girl. I loved doing things with him whenever I could. He would play games and different sports with me out in the backyard and sometimes we would go on daddy-daughter dates. when I was around 10 he went overseas for the military for around 3 months. He came back and everything was normal again. Then when I was 12 he went to iraq for a while. How long? I don't remember.. Everything around that time gets a bit fuzzy and I don't remember things from home only from school.. He came back and things were different... He had changed somehow. Later I found out that he has PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder. I didn't and still don't really know what that means other than the fact that he was depressed.. He couldn't really handle being out in public places and he didnt like me or my siblings being loud.. It was that way for around 3 years... I don't remember much then other than whatever was going on at school and that one time he tried to explain to me that he was different because of the war. I kinda understood but still it was very hard on me because I didnt have that same connection with him like I did before. During that time I became depressed also. I kept my emotions to myself.. I became plastic, a fake. I started turning to other guys to try and find that affection that I was missing from my dad. I'm not saying that any of this is his fault.. It was just very hard on me.. It kept on like this for a long while.. When I was 14 I went to a new school. It was hard because I knew no one and had a hard time finding where I fit in.. I was rejected more times than I could count that year.. The next year I had some new friends. Not the right kind of friends, but still they were people that were there for me. One girl I became really close to had problems of her own, similar to mine because her dad wasn't always there for her. I shared my problems with her, she shared hers with me.. We were depressed together. Anyways after Christmas that year I was struggling really hard.. I had just been dumped by my boyfriend. My friends were picking on me, calling me fat, stupid, ect.. It was all in fun but when you hear something so much you begin to believe it. A few days before new years I decided I was going to take my life.. I was in my room and started taking pills.. I got up to around 8 when my mom knocked on my door. I hid them quickly and answered it.. I don't remember what she wanted but I believe that her coming to my room was from God. I don't know if I would have gone thru with it or if I was just trying for some attention but I am glad God intervened. Things were okay for a while. I met a new guy at a new years lock and and we started dating. After valentines day we broke up. That was hard on me again.. I started thinking about suicide again.. On the Wednesday after valentines day I took what was left of my bottle of pills while at school. I think there was only about 12 or so in there.. Nothing happened other than the fact that I was high the rest of the day. But not too long after my parents found some emails hat I had been writing back and forth with a guy I'd met online. They knew kinda what happened and took just about every electronic away and I couldn't go anywhere but church and school. I had a meeting with my youth pastor about it and it was just an all around hard time. After that my parents pulled me out of school and started homeschooling me. The summer after my 10th grade year I re committed my life to Christ and was baptized. Soooo yeah.. That's how I became a real Christian. But while I heard that song tonight it made me realize that even before I was born, the devil has been trying to get rid of me. The only reason I can come up with for that would be because God has something big that he wants me to do for him and the devil just doesn't want it to happen. That just struck me today and really surprised me. Why? I have no clue. God has been telling me all along that he has a plan for my life. I don't know why it didn't click before! Haha.. God is good and I am so grateful that he has saved my life 4 times.. 3 times physically and once spiritually. Thank you God!! :)
-K
Jeremiah 29:11